Table of Contents
On the lighter side, this was sent to me by my friend, Kathy Olivo, who lives in Houston. I think anyone who has ever been owned by a dog will find it amusing.
The Creation Story as Told by a DOG!
On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth, especially the horse, to serve as food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that the man could labour for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to walk the dog!
Grandma's Connected! My buddy, Teresa Alcorn, sent this along.
I am afraid
someone was peeking into DefBird's nest when this was written.;-)))
¸¸,.·´¯`·., \)/ ,.·´¯` ¸¸,.
In the not too distant past
-I remember very well-
Grandmas tended to their knitting,
and their cookies were just swell.
They were always at the ready,
when you needed some advice.
And their sewing (I can tell you)
Was available -and nice.
Well, Grandma's not deserted you.
She dearly loves you still.
You just won't find her cooking,
but she's right there at the till.
She thinks about you daily
you haven't been forsook.
Your photos are quite handy,
in her Pentium notebook.
She scans your art work now though,
and combines it with cool sounds,
to make electronic greetings.
She prints pictures by the pounds.
She's right there when you need her,
You really aren't alone.
She's out now with her "puter" pals,
but she took her new cell phone.
You can also leave a message
on her answering machine;
or page her at the fun meet.
She's been there since nine fifteen.
Yes, the world's a very different place,
there is no doubt of that.
So"E" her from her web page,
or join her in a chat.
She's joined the electronic age,
and it really seems to suit her.
So don't expect the same old gal,
cause Grandma's gone "Computer."
After a While! I was begining to think I would never get a copy
of this poem. But, Ann Landers
came through for me. Thank you, Ann! I think this was not written for those of us struggling with a disability, but it sure fits. It is how I try to pattern my life. I hope all of you get as much enjoyment
and benefit from it as I have.
After a While!
After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand
And chaining a soul.
And you learn
That love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises.
And you begin to
Accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman,
Not the grief of a child.
And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans.
And futures have a way of falling down
After a while, you learn
That even sunshine burns
If you get too much.
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring
And you learn
That you really can endure,
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth.
And you learn
And you learn
With every goodby
...by Veronica A. Shoffstall
Fill in the blanks! This is one of those things that is just for fun. I plucked it off the Sign-Speak list. British children gave these answers on a test about religion. How many of you adults reading this can supply the correct answers and understand the references?
Subject: British Children's Answers to Religion Test
1. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
2. Henry VIII thought so much of Wolsey that he made him a cardigan.
3. The Fifth Commandment is Humor thy father and mother.
4. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, and a ball of fire at night.
5. When Mary heard she was to be the mother of Jesus, she went off and
sang the Magna Carta.
6. Salome was a woman who danced naked in front of Harrods.
7. Holy acrimony is another name for marriage.
8. Christians can have only one wife. This is called monotony.
9. The Popes lives in a vacuum.
10. Paraffin is next in order after seraphim.
11. Today wild beasts are confined to the Theological Gardens.
12. The patron saint of travelers is St. Francis of the sea sick.
13. Iran is the Bible of Moslems.
14. A republican is a sinner mentioned in the Bible.
15. The natives of Macedonia did not believe, so Paul got stoned.
16. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
17. It is sometimes difficult to hear what is said in church because the
agnostics are so terrible.
Kid speak! Cathy sent this to the Audists
list, so some of you may have already seen it. That's ok. It is funny enough
to merit reading again! Enjoy.
The future of "I give" is "I take."
The parts of speech are lungs and air.
The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin.
gin and water.
(Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.
The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.
Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.
The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.
One by-product of raising cattle is calves.
To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.
The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.
The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.
Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.
A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.
How to Speak Chinese! in
one easy lesson. Plucked from the Audists list.
"My sister-in-law in Sacramento, CA sent this lesson to me." (Bryce)
Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
English phrase -- Chinese Interpretation
Are you harboring a fugitive? -- Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P. --Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man --Dum Gai
Small Horse --Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high!! --No Bai Dam Ding!!
Did you go to the beach? -- Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table --Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift --Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here --Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? --Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution. --Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet --Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. -- No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? --Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright --Yu So Dum
I got this for free --Ai No Pei
I am not guilty --Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer. --Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week --Wai Yu Kum Nao?
They have arrived -- Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight -- Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile --Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive -- Yu Stin Ki Pu
Phew! does this bathroom stink! -- Hu Flung Dung?
E-mail to Tommie Wells!
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