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DefBird's Cat-alog! 

This is Defbird's cat page! I love cats. I find them fascinating. They seem so self contained and self absorbed. But, they also need human companionship. Cats express this need and the love for their humans in a unique feline way.

Table of Contents

Cat Diaries! Cat Haikus! Cat Ages! Cats Fun! Dear Tabby! Cat's Creation Lucky Cat! Mystery Cat!

I am always interested in any "cat stuff" you might run across "out there"! Send it along and it might get listed in Defbird's Catalog. Now, there's glory for you!


 Tommie Wells

CAT  DIARIES! I got just this one page. It makes me wonder what might be in the rest of the diary. Do I really want to know? Read on for a hair raising experience!

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry
cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of
escape,  and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional
piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their
feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top
of the stairs.  In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile
oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite
chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep
depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike
fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a
good little cat I was...Hmmm.  Not working according to plan....

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good
reason I was chosen for the water torture.  This time however it
included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds
could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of  thumb
still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was
placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise
and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer."  More
importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY  power of
"allergies."  Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe
snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to
return.  He is obviously a half-wit.   The Bird on the other hand  has
got to be an informant.  He has mastered their frightful tongue.
(something akin to mole speak)  and speaks with them regularly. I am
certain he reports my every move.   Due to his current placement in  the
metal room his safety is assured.  But I can wait, it is only a  matter
of time.

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This cute little bouquet of cat poems was sent to me by my friend Nancy Hoffmann who lives in Australia. You have to be a cat lover to understand! Be patient and the kitty will surprise you. Enjoy!
CAT HAIKUS
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.

You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail! Behold,
elevator butt.

I need a new toy.
tail of black dog keeps good time.
pounce! good dog! good dog!

The rule for today:
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

In deep sleep hear sound;
cat vomit hairball somewhere.
Will find in morning

Grace personified,
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that.

Blur of motion. then-
Silence, me, a paper bag.
What is so funny?

The mighty hunter
Returns with gifts of plump birds-
Your foot just squashed one.

You're always typing.
Well, let's see you ignore my
sitting on your hands.

My small cardboard box.
You cannot see me if I
can just hide my head.

We're almost equals.
I purr to show I love you.
Want to smell my butt?


Terrible battle.
Fought for hours. Come and see!
What's a "term paper?"

Kitty like plastic.
Confuses for litter box.
Don't leave tarp around.

Small brave carnivores
kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner

Want to trim my claws?
Don't even think about it!
My yelps will wake dead.

I want to be close
to you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?

Wanna go outside.
Oh, shit! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!

Oh no! The Big One
has been trapped by newspaper!
Cat to the rescue!

Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams!
My claws aren't that sharp. . .

Cats meow out of angst
"Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much!"

Litter box not here.
You must have moved it again.
I'll crap in the sink.

The Big Ones snore now.
Every room is dark and cold.
Time for "Cup Hockey"
 

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How Cats Age!

If cats can learn to stay out of the street, they often live well up into their teens and a few even make it into their early twenties. Take a look at the chart and see how "old" your kitty is. It may surprise you!


Cat Years Human Years

6 months

10 years
8 months 13 years
1 year 15 years
2 years 24 years
4 years 32 years
6 years 40 years
8 years 48 years
10 years 56 years
12 years 64 years
14 years 72 years
16 years 80 years
18 years 88 years
20 years 96 years
21 years 100 years

 It was once thought that 1 year in the life of a cat was equivalent to 7 years of a human life. Recently, a new scale has been accepted: after the first 2 years, the cat's life proceeds  more slowly in relation to human life and each feline year is approximately  4 human years. The general consensus is that at about age 7 a cat can be considered  "middle-aged," and age 10 and beyond  "old."

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Cats are More Fun!

It is a lot more fun to live with cats than with most people. Read on to see why.
These are only a few of the many reasons why I have six cats!

Cats don't care whether you're a conservative or a liberal.
Cats do not care whether you shave your legs.
Cats don't need to wear the latest designer fashions.
Cats won't drink beer and pass out on the bathroom floor.
Cats don't correct your stories.
Cats won't complain if you don't make the bed or do the dusting.
Cats don't criticize your friends.
Cats don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
You don't have to wonder if the cat is lying to you.
Cats don't care if you're a few pounds overweight.
You don't have to worry that your cat will do drugs or join a gang.
 
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Dear Tabby!
( Catty Advice Free of Charge)

Make the world your playground.

          Whenever you miss the litter box, cover it up. Dragging a sock over it helps.
          If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do.
          When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to shut you up.
          Always find a good patch of sun to nap in. Nap often.
          When in trouble, just purr and look cute.
          Life is hard, and then you nap.
          Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.
          When in doubt, cop an attitude.
          Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the next day, annoy them.
          Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains are there.
          Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner.
          Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, "I care".

          Remember, Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with
     and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget  who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.

     You will then have a smooth-running household.

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Creation Story (Cat's POV) 

       On the first day of creation, God created the cat.

       On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.

       On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to
       serve as potential food for  the cat.

       On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could
        labor for the good of the cat.

       On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat
       might or might not play with  it.

       On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat
       healthy and the man broke.

       On the seventhth day, God tried to rest, but
       he had to scoop the litter box!

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Lucky Cat!

 http://www.catanna.com/luckycat.htm


 

Maneki Neko Beckons with her right paw and brings MONEY!
Visit the web site and read her story and get your own lucky cat!

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Mystery!

Cats are often featured in Mysteries. And, why not! Cats are known to be mysterious creatures. Two of my favorite cat detectives are:
Midnight Louie featured in books by Carolyn N. Douglas
and
Koko, "The Cat Who..." featured in books by
Lillian Jackson Braun

If you love both cats and mysteries, you can't go wrong with these choices!

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I hope you have enjoyed browsing in DefBird's Cat-alog!


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